This Was Me, Before I knew myself.

doctorjesus asked: I miss yoououououououououououuu

I miss you toooooooooo <3 When can we chill next hmm?

I inhale all of your toxins, all the resentment, disappointment and forgotten desires that expel from your soul. We whisper in unison to the dark, not sure if we can hear one another. I feel myself fading as time seems to slow. In these moments of fleeting clarity, I know who I am. Your voice comes across the line and I want to tell you everything. I want you to understand the core of me, and be able to caress the insides of my soul. Yet, my emotions get caught in my throat, only to be forced down and lost with each inhale of someone else’s cigarette. I watch the ember that illuminates my tears, and I exhale my own toxins into the world. Polluting the space with my thoughts that run over into my soul and make me sick. We are ghosts running through the halls of our memories, these demons of the past haunt our lucidity. Your energy make me anxious, and my hands go cold. And in these moments of silence I yearn to understand everything you are and all that I am not. I want to touch you. and in your silence I understand the true meaning of distance. In your withdrawal I come to understand just how much I need you, and I hate myself for being weak. I never know what to do with these longings, having been taught that I was unworthy. I tossed away most of my yearnings for something more than I could offer the world. Yet, whenever I look into your eyes, or hear your voice I am reminded the true meaning of desire. It in is these moments that I fall in love with you all over again. And I try to grasp these feelings, solidify them, make them real. Yet, it was you who reminded me that everything was fleeting, and to try to cling to this moment is impossible. So I let it go, as the smoke escapes my lips and dances around me. I yearn to be able to touch your heart, and to understand you. I am convinced that the universe must believe in poetic irony since you are the only person who does not vomit all of your contents into my soul, just because I dare to ask the question “How are you?” I guess I should be grateful that you don’t need me the way everyone else seems to. That you are strong enough to keep your distance. I admire your tact and ability to see your way through the world. But to be honest I am saddened by it, knowing that without you, I myself , would readily cease to exist. I feel as if I am losing you more each day and as I linger here in these thoughts. I know eventually that all of my worries will run over and eat a hole in my heart. So I sit back on my bed and just allow for the day to replay itself on the backs of my eye lids. I focus on my sister as she dances out her anger and I wish to understand how she is so beautiful in her every action. I wish to learn to be self indulgent from time to time, but I know I don’t belong in my sisters world. I am just borrowing space, in which she graciously allows me. I open my eyes as I wait for your replies. Never knowing how to put anything into words I grow angry with myself because I will never be able to ask you how you feel. Because I myself am to weak to risk the silence, at least it is guaranteed. The mist of uncertainty that surrounds me swells and I know I have no way out. I wonder why you it is you love this girl, who frets so readily over these things. I wonder how I came to have you at all, and I feel selfish. I feel as if I am holding you here but my own fragile heart is to weak to set you free. I love you… you know I do. I knew you loved me. But I feel as if things are changing. Of course the silence makes me unable to say any of this. You respond. With a one word reply. It cuts deeply but I smile, and as I linger here in this disarray I am compelled to ask you one question. “Are you happy?”…I guess I am still waiting for your reply.

sociopath101:

I want to sleep forever. When I say that, I mean it in the most suicidal way as possible.

(Source: kuntleen)